Having better conversations across generations
Picture this: you’re sitting at the dinner table. Your first-generation immigrant parent launches into their favorite refrain, “When I was your age…” Meanwhile, you—the second-generation kid—are on your phone Googling how to explain boundaries in their mother tongue without offending everyone at the table.
If this scenario feels familiar, welcome to the wild world of intergenerational communication in immigrant families.
The struggle is real. First-generation parents often come from a world where hierarchies are rigid and one-directional (read: parents on top, kids on bottom. Forever). On the flip side, second-generation kids are bicultural so in addition to their “home culture,” they have also been encouraged to “find their truth” and “express their feelings.” When these two worldviews collide, the results can be painful misunderstanding and frustration.
Why Does It Feel Like You’re Speaking Different Languages?
Because you are! First-gen parents are often rooted in collectivist values, where the group’s needs or family’s needs are more important than individual desires. Second-gen kids grow up with an extra helping of individualism from the society around them. So, when your parent insists that your cousin’s wedding in India is non-negotiable, they’re prioritizing family harmony. You, however, are wondering how to break it to them that you’ve booked Beyonce tickets for that same weekend.
Then, there’s the love language mismatch. For your parents, love might look like a full plate of food and a roof over your head. You? You might just want them to ask, “How are you, really?” instead of “Did you eat?”
So…where do we go from here? Below are tips for each generation–kids and parents–for having more productive conversations.
Communication Tips for Navigating the Generational Divide - for 2nd gen kids
1. Start with the Universal Language: Food
Nothing says, “I love you” in immigrant families like a shared meal. Use this time to ease into conversations. Start with something light like, “Mom, what’s the secret to this recipe?” before segueing into, “Also, can we talk about why I don’t want to become a doctor?”
2. The Power of “Yes, and…”
Channel your inner improv comedian. When your parent says, “In our culture, we respect elders,” respond with, “Yes, and I’d love to share my perspective too.” This technique validates their point while adding in your own.
3. Use Humor as a Buffer
Humor can soften even the toughest conversations. For example, when your dad says, “Why don’t you call your relatives more?” you can respond, “Because every time I do, they ask when I’m getting married. Should I just conference you in next time?”
4. Explain Without Overwhelming
Remember, concepts like “boundaries” and “mental health” do not translate. Break it down. Instead of saying, “I need emotional space,” try, “I’m not ignoring you. I just need time to think before we talk.”
5. Pick Your Battles
If they want you to wear traditional clothes to a family event, is it really worth the argument? If wearing traditional clothing undermines pieces of your identity - that’s different. But if traditional clothing is just uncomfortable, cold, scratchy, and you don’t have anything from this decade, consider if this is a fight worth having. Save your energy for the big stuff—like convincing them that therapy isn’t a cult.
Communication Tips for Navigating the Generational Divide - for 1st gen parents
1. Stop Using Guilt as a Love Language
Yes, we know you sacrificed everything to give us a better life and we are grateful for it, but constant reminders are a karmic IOU without an end date. Instead of saying, “After everything I’ve done for you…” try, “I’d love to know what’s important to you right now.” Less pressure, more progress!
2. Upgrade Your Parental Software
Your parent operating system is probably stuck in 1985, 1995, 2005 or whatever year you immigrated, but your kids are running on Gen Z updates. Instead of insisting, “In our day, we didn’t talk back to elders,” understand that disagreement isn’t the same as disrespect. Rude or harsh language is a no go, but try “What’s a respectful way we can share ideas?”
3. Quit Assuming All Hobbies Are Career Options
Just because your kid enjoys drawing doesn’t mean they’re giving up on engineering to become Picasso. Next time you’re tempted to ask, “How will you make money with that?” replace it with, “What do you love about it?” Trust us—less drama, more bonding.
4. Give Compliments Without the Fine Print
Your kid doesn’t need to hear, “You’re doing great, but why aren’t you married yet?” or “Good job in Computer Science—but why didn’t you get an A+?” Try saying, “I’m proud of you,” and then zip it. Many second gen kids have never heard our parents give us a compliment without the fine print, while our white friends get complimented for getting a B+ or getting an interview for a job (not getting the job itself).
Wrapping Up
At the end of the day, intergenerational communication isn’t about winning—it’s about understanding between two very different generations with very different cultural experiences. Remember: you’re both learning to bridge the gap, one slightly awkward conversation at a time.
